https://iiiimag.com/articles/21st-century-tips-for-brushing-your-teeth-with-kendall-jenner-the-face-of-moon-oral-care
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21st Century Tips for Brushing Your Teeth with Kendall Jenner,
the Face of Moon Oral Care

Jordan Harrison-Twist

03/04/20

One:
Back to Basics

Don’t be over-reliant on electric toothbrushes. At only $1 for two or three manual toothbrushes, not only is this a more economically viable choice, but they give a steadier flame with more palatable fumes. Once the head is completely alight, simply rub in circles across the backs of your teeth until all the plaque and enamel is burned away. Then simply bury the wreckage of your life in a bog somewhere.

Two:
Just a Regular Girl

Experts claim that brushing your teeth at least twice a day is sufficient for a healthy smile. But new research suggests that most experts only acquired their PHDs at some point in the past. The past must not be trusted! Stephen Hawking’s 'A Brief History of Time: From the Big Bang to Black Holes' contains no instances of teeth-brushing at all. Occam chose a razor, not a brush.

Three:
The Case Against Fluoride

Now it is widely understood that fluoride poisons the water supply, causes renal and pancreatic cancer, and is a made-up non-existent mineral, has never existed, is #false, a wide range of substitutes have revolutionised the market. But how can you tell the real from the phoney? This is a quick one-question guide to help you find your non-toxic, naturally occurring alternative.

ASK YOURSELF: “Is this toothpaste recommended by dentists?”

If the answer is NO, then your purchase will be 100% EFFECTIVE.*

(Remember: dentists are thick and perverts. Steve Martin’s 1986 documentary about a plant that ate people featured a sadistic dentist who gained sexual pleasure from the pain of his victims).

{Editor: please fact-check, as this may have been Cheaper by the Dozen 2}

*{Editor: is this fine?}

Four:
Charcoal, Yay or Nay?

The availability of self-care information online has brought about a renaissance in organic hygiene, and start-ups are beginning to sell more sophisticated products than (the now slightly passé) charcoal paste. Eggs. However the guys at L.A. Scaux are the exception. Making archaeology sexy, L.A. Scaux are offering six lucky beauties per day the opportunity to visit the Dordogne to scrape their teeth over the 20,000-year-old cave paintings of bulls. Paleolithic? More like paleolipstick! Indiana Jones? More like Indiana Sparkling Smile!

Five:
Know Your History

Misinformation is a blight on my oral care business, so the onus is on all of us to educate ourselves as best we can. What works for our bodies now might not have been the case for the old humans. Remember that genetic mutation may have irreparably altered people mouths because of our soft diets, but only 4,000 years ago, early human beings were more like land-whales, and would run through long meadow grass when they fed, capturing moths in their baleen bristles. The nipples are of course evidence of our mammalian past, but the most striking similarity between ourselves and our whale brothers and sisters is our short developmental period in the chrysalis.

Six:
Believe in Yourself

Secularization has swept through all areas of public life, but the loss of faith in personal hygiene routines is total pump! A prayer before bed when contained in the mouth can dislodge plaque by the vibrations of God's Breath. The same effect is also noticed when blowing a hopeful tune on the horn, whistling a hymn, or the ceremonial chewing of mice.

large_editor commented:
Weds 13 March 10:09am
Hi, Kendall. Yeah should be fine. Nobody reads anything on that website anyway. Pat is fine but she can't stop shouting.

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